If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize