So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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