I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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