Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
