Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
