my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
