i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i've created a new STD.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
