Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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