We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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