im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
