my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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