I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
