aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
