I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
