HIV tests are more positive than that guy
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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