Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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