she was so not down for the gang bang
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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