Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
