cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
