I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
