you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
