you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize