One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
