Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
