pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
