did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
