Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
