new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
