Yo dont text me then not text me
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
