One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
