my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
