remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
