What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
