he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
