I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
