Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
