My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
