I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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