Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
