bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
