I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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