Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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