you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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