Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
