I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
