I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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