Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
