there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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