we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
