well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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