If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
