He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
