YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
