I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
