If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
