were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
