My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
