Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
