Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
